I don't know what's wrong with me, I've been shaking and crying all day, and I can't stop moving I'm so fucking nervous and sad.

I meant it when I said that I SO FUCKING HATE DEATH! and I get it dying is a part of life. But there are times when you know everything is going wrong around you, for me that was March, I lost Indira, and the pain started growing and growing inside of me the whole thing made me hold to the memories of those I lost last year and took me places I'd never imagine depression could take me.

March was horrible. On March a little baby died also which made me let's say cold when I see others including myself complain about stupid things.

I mean BABY'S SHOULD NOT DIE

I would have taken his place right there, I mean what do you even say to his mother and father? 4 months old, their first born child...I don't think that's fair. How do you learn to live with that sort of pain? there's nothing you can say, words can't mean what you really feel.

I can't stop saying 'I'm done why even try again', and I have been running away from medical school and the hospital for like forever, in my mind I think I can't do this anymore, I just can't take it. I don't know why I'm even writing about this maybe the whole thing about the Pope dying made me see things with another perspective.

Watching the news today made me sick, the media waiting and wanting to be first rather than right to say when he dies, I mean HE IS DYING, what do you care about being first, and I'm sorry he is dying but the truth is that we have no choice with death even when we like to think we do, and as selfish as we are we have to let them go.

I would like to think there's something more than this, but I stopped praying a long time ago.