Thursday, October 26, 2006
FUCK IT
So I've been assigned to the cardiology unit. And to be honest this month has been fucking crazy. I've never felt this sad and hopeless. There have been some moments when I thought of hitting the door and getting the fuck out of there.
Yesterday the resident on charge checked on a patient while sending a text message. I couldn't believe it. And all I have to say about it is fuck you!, and i do hope you google my name and find out that I wrote this. Yes fuck you, for being such a fucking asshole. I'll surely be the next person to get dooced.
The patients so far have been really nice, they've all been there for several weeks waiting for all kind of different surgeries. They are mostly man, they have become friends and they get together as soon as they wake up to read the newspaper and talk before breakfast and rounds, you sort of have to drag them back into their own rooms so you can check on them.
On the other side the girls are crying, yelling and asking to go home every five minutes.
There's this woman who lost her son, he got killed right in front of her, so she had a heart attack and doesn't seem to be getting well at all. This other girl who is just 42 years old told me she is really looking forward to not seeing me ever again as I told her I would be there for a month. I guess she just really wants to go home.
Saying no will eventually kill me.
I feel selfish and lonely.
There was this 80 year old man who is not good, and all he did was extend his hand to me after I helped him in a way I wont write cuz it's quite private, but he ended up extending his hand and I didn't get what he wanted, he just shook my hand. He was thanking me. He did remind me of my grandfather and I can tell you I'm still not ok with not having him anymore. When he died a big part of me died with him.
No one will ever get it, but he was my life. And I failed him.
I have to say I'm sorry to everyone who wrote to me this past week, or if I was mean while talking to you, or if I hurt your feelings. But I'm not me if you know what I mean.
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