Wednesday, November 15, 2006
I CANNOT STOP FEELING THE WAY I FEEL
Everyone says that I should not take things so personal, but I can't deal with death. How can I not take things personal when I see sweet friends die.
I know that I shouldn't probably share so many sad story's with you all but I want to document the way I feel today, cuz I fear that I will forget, and I don't want to forget them, so bear with me and try to understand where I come from, and how I can't keep separating my online life from what I see and feel everyday of my life.
Last Monday a young boy died in surgery. He was the coolest, sweetest person I've ever had the pleasure of meeting. He was so young but so mature. He acted like a kid, I couldn't get him out of bed before rounds, he would always say 'would you please come back later?' and then cover his entire body even his head under his blanket and roll to the opposite side of me. I knew where he was coming from, because I would have probably done the same if I were in his position. At the end of my shifts, even when I had changed to my normal cloth he would ask for me to check on him. Always on the last minute. I found it so funny and to be honest I didn't have a problem with accepting his "times".
He was my youngest patient, he was only 36 years old. I connected with him because he was a rebel and a really cool one, but besides that he was so respectful that it was really easy to like him.
He had been waiting since July for this surgery, and I could tell he was getting really tired, but that didn't keep him from being the one who would cheer the other guys up. He even made his mother bring him a TV so he wouldn't have to pay per hour. He made all the connections, brought an antenna and everything, when you entered his room you had to walk over a million cables. He listened to music, read, and wore the coolest soccer t-shirts from around the globe. He was so smart and well educated. You could tell he just needed his life back. He would walk around the hospital and sit to chat with his roommates in the halls, then he would play really cool music.
The last time I saw him I remember walking by him in the hall and we just stared at each other while I walked to the office to get some papers, I left the hospital without saying goodbye, I didn't know he was going to surgery that night, no one knew, it took everyone by surprise that the surgeons decided to do it that night.
The guys told me that they all wished him the best, and that he was really nervous about it.
The next morning I went back and he was still in surgery, we knew something was wrong, and about 10 am in the morning he left us. We all felt
SO EMPTY
As for the room, there's a new patient in his bed. His TV is still there, untouched, no one seems to be able to turn it back on. Some days ago that was the happiest room in the hospital, everyone would get together to see the soccer matches with him, he invited everyone, and always defended his team (Boca) I would tease him that the current championship was bought by his team, and I told him that even though I was a River fan I understood his passion for his team.
I don't seem to be able to enter his room anymore. Today I stared at his door and at his chair in from of the elevator where he used to sit so he could see the sun and I can tell you I miss you already boy. I know I didn't know you much, but I will never forget you, you deserved more time, the world deserved more time with you.
Marcelo
I'll miss your smile the most. I wish I could go back in time and give you the biggest hug. I'm so sorry I walked pass you and didn't say anything.
Rest in Peace sweet friend.
I just want to say that I hope that Boca fucking wins this championship, and I do hope that you are there to see it happen.
I love you . We all love you so much.
FOR YOU M:
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