IN HELL

So here I am thinking of ways to do the best out of this so called reality I'm in. Jesse was bitten this morning by a dog and has severe abdominal bleeding. I have like a million responsibilities and even more moral ones. My friend is dying in a hospital and I can't find a way to fight and make all this hell go away I don't want to feel what I'm feeling. I feel I'm not ready to let you go girl. I'm watching the aftermath of Katrina and I can't believe how Bush or those anchors have a smile on their face. All I do is cry. I cry and cry cuz I don't want to live what I'm living. I can relate to those who are feeling the same right now. I feel so helpless, weak and powerless.

I can't find a way to not answer questions without sounding silent or mean or angry with people who have nothing to do with my pain. I hear laughs and can't hold my tears. I know I'm not the only who feels bad, but I can't find a nice way to answer questions, I can't deal with the tones of voice people have when they are trying to care but they don't, I can't deal with the stupid questions people ask. I can't understand how there's joy around me while I'm in hell. So here I'm writing cuz it's the only way I have to get out of my system what I'm really feeling. I also want to thank B for being with me while I'm in hell.

To Jess;

Today I didn't go to say hi to you, and I'm sorry about that. I heard someone screaming my name and I just knew.

I ran to you and found you hiding and bleeding, you were out your own body screaming for help and biting anyone who got near you. Somehow I opened a way to you, your sweet voice appeared in one scream and I hold on to you. I drove all around town to find help, you looked out of the window and the sun was hitting your green eyes, you never looked so sad, you reached out to me wanting me to talk to you and touch you with our special hug, but you looked so tired. Somehow you started to relax even when you were feeling knifes within you. I tried to touch you softly but my hands were shaking, I'm sorry I was a mess when you needed me the most.

The help I got you was horrible, the opinion I have about the health system seemed to keep bringing me down as I couldn't stop shaking my hands and thinking of ways to just make your pain go away. They cut you, they made you bleed, they used the wrong tools and I just had to stare and hold you. The help I got for you hurt you even more, the help I got for you only cared about my pocket and not my hearts love. While they were helping you I never took my eyes away from yours. I saw you go to sleep when they used drugs to calm down your pain.

I felt time stop, I couldn't believe how could this happen I was just holding you some moments ago and now I had to leave you without knowing what was happing to you or even if you knew how much I love you and need you.

They said they would call, and I'm still waiting. I've said it before this is the reason I hate phones. I'm so afraid of that call. But I'm here waiting and wishing you well girl.

I'm just writing and trying to think of you as much as I can, I need you with me, and I want you to fight for your life, be strong girl. I also want you to know that if you have to go, know that you can go.

I'm letting you go
I just want you to know that
I love you
I love you very much.